V2. CH5. REPEAT

In my last blog I mentioned that I was going to make a commitment to meditating every day.  The goal of which was to manifest certain desired outcomes based on the commitment to doing what I promised I would do on a daily basis…MEDITATE!  Now it is 30 days later, and I have already missed my meditation on at least three to four different days throughout the month.  This obviously does not qualify as every day, positioning me at a crossroads between pretty good (27 out of 30 days) and the obvious reality of failing to meet my stated goal of meditating every day in the month!

Should I admit that I have already failed and stop torturing myself by making promises I choose to break?

Unlike many failed commitments in the past, this time the answer is NO!!!!  This time I am going to get back on the metaphorical horse and commit to having been good enough this past month and will do EVEN BETTER this next month.  It is time to stop giving myself excuses for giving up on really good ideas and honest desires expressed in moments of inspiration.  In the past I have successfully used acronyms to remind me of actions that need to be taken, as well as repeated often enough to have a true and realistic expectation of success.

Here, I will use the acronym REPEAT.

The lessons of the acronym are:

R ecognize:  Recognize your weaknesses as well as your strengths with forgiveness and congratulations

E xpect:  An Expectation of success if you are willing to pay the price

P rofit:  Profit requires discipline

E ndure:  Endurance is necessary in order to create a habit

A cquire:  Acquire role models, following their example is a great short-cut to success

T ime:  Give yourself time, an essential component of wisdom

Next month will be a great month, for which I have exceptional expectations!

V2. CH4. MEDITATION

It is a cold Saturday afternoon, late November.  I am a bit bored and looking for something to do.  Our kids are all already entertaining their kids (our grandkids) for the day, and our dog is pacing back and forth in front of the door begging to go outside.

I do not really feel like taking the dog for a walk, nor do I feel like reading a book… or doing much of anything at all.  I truly am twiddling my thumbs and have already spent too much time thinking about thinking about things to do, as if there were a deadline to stop doing nothing.  It has been gnawing at me for awhile to try and commit to a meditation practice…..every journey begins with but a single step.

I admire my wife’s meditation practice.  For her, it is a non-negotiable part of her day.  And, by being non-negotiable, meditation simply BECAME part of her day.  Her discipline was the commitment to create a good habit.  Exercising the discipline then became a reward in and of itself. Conversely, the lack of discipline is an embedded bad habit!  Meditation seems to offer more than either a discipline OR a habit.  Meditation is like a super consciousness.  It is the conscious discovery of the unconscious desire to be a part of the all that is.

Meditation can quiet the discordant noise of living and embrace the harmonies of being alive.  For me, I have avoided the effort of creating a meditation practice, and I am not really sure why.  I think it may be a fear that my monkey brain, the brain that is unable to stand back and stand down will not allow meditation to work for me.  It resonates as a fear that I cannot summon the discipline to practice meditating on a daily basis.  This despite my observation of the obvious benefits that my wife achieves, and the mounting evidence that meditation may be THE key to fully appreciating the marvel of ALIVENESS!!

The solution here may feel apparent to you as the reader.  JUST DO IT!!!  The cost/benefit ratio is hugely in favor of my making a commitment to meditation. The cost is simply to allocate the time and make the commitment. The potential benefits seem innumerable and immeasurable.  I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain… which will always be a good gamble.  I have determined that tomorrow I start.  Slowly, faithfully, daily, committed…  I’ll share my findings here...

V2. CH3. EVERYBODY MAKES A DIFFERENCE

The day has come!  I am fully retired from my 52-years long working career.

Now… I shall…

Breathe deep...no rush or need to DO anything.  It would be a dream come true to be able to count to infinity before I am done:  1, 2, 3, 4, ...5, ...6, …7, …8, …,9, ...10, ...11, …without once thinking of a pink elephant.

Time is important only to those who keep track of it.  Time passes.  That is the ONLY thing it does.  The night always follows the day (although, it is possible that day may actually be following night) and the moon will become full and then disappear, only to reappear month after month.

Through seasons, through years, thru decades, thru centuries….thru entire eras, over and over… which now includes my 52 years of labor.

Time has relentlessly passed.

I am a rider from the stars, as is my wife, my family, my friends, my dog, and the totality of humanity.

THE QUESTION:  Does a single additional drop of water make a difference to the ocean?

Of course it does!  Has my 52 years made a difference?  I am certain it has.  And still counting.

*In explanation of the above:  When trying to imagine 52 years as it occurs in real time from its 1st day to its 52nd year anniversary encompasses about 19,000 days.  Is that a lot of time? Looking out from day one it surely is, looking back from day 19,000 it seems like a blink.  What I am trying to express here is the dichotomy between LIVING the EXPERIENCE of time passing – my reality – and my actual INFLUENCE on the passing of time itself.  I matter.

V2. CH2. RETIRING

Sorry for my absence, as you all know, there’s a lot going on and the distractions mount up.  No matter, here’s what on my mind right now that I wanted to share with you.

I am actually, officially, amazingly, honest to-gosh, retiring from my full-time career this fall, fifty-seven years after I started working my first summer job in 1965! This occurrence will obviously leave a very big hole in my scheduled life, adding up to 8 to 10 hrs a day, or around 45 NEW, UNSCHEDULED, PERSONAL HOURS EVERY SINGLE  WEEK TO DO WHATEVER I WANT, WHENEVER I WANT!  Plus weekends being added to my unscheduled retired life instead of deducted from my very busy full-time working life!  Wow!  Utilizing this newly found free time actually sounds more like a daunting task then a relaxing retirement!

Looming retirement almost feels like a weightless weight!?  It feels like I need to get busy and focus (the weight) on how best to use all of those upcoming newly inherited personal hours (the weightless).  And there, of course, is the rub.  It is a required shift from learning how to look at retirement not as an end but rather as a beginning.  Not as a measurement of success but as an appreciation of personal freedom.  Not as the obligations of parenthood but the celebration of grand parenthood.  Not as a paycheck but as a pay-off.  The question is, after 55 years of “making a living”, how best do you transition to “living your best life?”

I like a list, so here are two:

FIRST, WHAT NO LONGER SERVES ME

a.    Trading time for money

b.    Putting work before family

c.    Prioritizing work above Joy

d.    Choosing to serve obligations instead of searching for opportunities

e.    Making commitments before honoring intuition

f.     Alarm clocks

g.    Driving too fast

h.    Ignoring health and vitality

i.      Mindlessness over mindfulness

SECOND, WHAT SERVES MY HIGHEST AND BEST GOOD

a.    Selfless over selfish

b.    Let my actions serve as a role model

c.    Seek Satisfaction Through Service

d.    Recognize that Conceit is natural and easy while Humility is difficult and acquired

e.    Seek no financial reward if it is absent of an equal emotional reward

f.     Learn to live on less

g.    Be an optimist, ALWAYS

h.    Accept that whatever comes my way is exactly what is needed for my highest and best good, and every response is my response-ability alone

i.      And very importantly…Love, cherish and respect my spouse above all else.  She has sacrificed greatly to make a singular commitment to me

For my entire working life I have always been very entrepreneurial, and worked very hard.  Except for my original summer job, I have either been a business owner or an independent contractor.  I sacrificed a great deal of time that could have been spent with my wife and children in an exchange for money and possessions.  I am proud of what I have accomplished but am aware of the cost.  I am really, really looking forward to “retirement”, and being more present.   What a gift!

V2. CH1. A VIRUS

Today is an auspicious anniversary. As I write this blog it is the 2nd anniversary of the first diagnosed case of the Covid-19 virus in the United States.  Somehow it seems like both the longest and shortest two years of my life.  It actually feels like every day is collapsed into the same day over and over again.  Kind of like an infinity loop.  A “groundhog” day (forgive the reference to the Chevy Chase movie of the same name, where day after day after day he re-awakens to the same day repeating itself over and over again).

Yet, in total, it could be argued that the last two years have absolutely changed the reality of daily living and interpersonal relationships more than any other two year period in history.  It certainly has done so in our family!

We love our children and grandchildren above all else.  We view them all as amazing, loving, honest, productive, and creative people.  As parents we do not live our lives THROUGH our children or BECAUSE of our children.  However, we do take great joy in recognizing attributes in them that appear to be, at least partially, a result of our love and parenting of them.

This pandemic has challenged the relationship that we have always cherished with our children as a close-knit blended family, and that we hold so dearly.  Our children believe in mandated vaccinations…and my wife and I do not.  Since their opinion is similar to that of 70% to 80% of the population, they also feel it provides them with a mandate to establish physical contact boundaries and visits between their families and my wife and I.  

Of course, they have always had that authority, which we have always respected, with or without a pandemic.  Now, however, the government has codified parental judgment by establishing new rules for safe engagement with ANY human beings, whether they are complete strangers or devoted family that is very familiar with each other.

This blog is not intended to argue the merits of anyone’s opinion of pandemic lockdown restrictions.  I try to practice divine neutrality, the absolute right of individuals to feel the truth of their opinions… no matter the consequence or impact on any other person’s feelings or opinions.  Let it be what it is, I cannot fix or change anyone.  Of course my belief in divine neutrality does not keep our children from judging our choices about vaccines in general and vaccine mandates specifically.

Our dilemma as parents, now grandparents, remains unresolved.  Our children are doing what they absolutely believe to be the best thing for themselves and their children AND us by providing a protective and safe environment with as little unvaccinated exposure as possible.  For them there is NO acceptable risk in exposing US or their CHILDREN to the virus.  Ironically, several of our children and grandchildren have already contracted the virus and recovered.  With similar irony, I have not had so much as a cold in the past two years.

The end of the crisis and family separation does not yet seem to be in sight.  Fear, and  facemasks, delayed and insufficient socialization of both parents and children, the separation of generations, political radicalization, plans and holidays put on hold, cancelled, or destroyed, will be the legacy of the past two years.    

I am praying that rational discourse, compromise, with some love and optimism shorten the duration of the remaining pandemic challenges.  For myself, I am simply looking forward to the moment we will be able to physically hug and kiss our children and grandchildren AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!          

These past two years have been extraordinarily hard. I have experienced tremendous grief and loss through separation from our kids and grandkids.  I didn’t realize how much more precious time could become as a grandparent than it was as a parent.  Even though our children may never agree with our choices, I hope they can appreciate our lesson that you must stand by what you believe, regardless of the cost.  Otherwise you may end up standing for nothing at all.  This is how much we love them.

V1. CH11. SOLVE

As a younger parent I often found myself quickly making decisions potentially affecting my children, and without considering the multiple potential outcomes of how any given decision might actually impact them!  As a parent I’m sure you can relate to how often your decisions may seem like an obvious and clear choice based on either experience or expedience.  Or they may be decisions that seem to be the simplest or safest, or most obvious and hassle free.

Yet, none of the considerations above keep your children from having an opinion about wanting what they want regardless of your reasoning or practicality. After all, what is inconvenience to them compared to yours?Money is an abstract to kids!  Simple and safe is not their problem, it is yours.  Hassle free?  What is your parental hassle when compared to your children’s personal desires?  Obviously the older your children get the more adult frame of reference they acquire but it should not invalidate the approach I am about to suggest for your consideration.  

I am going to create an acronym of the word SOLVE to suggest how to address a difference of opinion between parent and child who both may view the same circumstances through different lenses:

Summarize.  Just to make sure you and your child are on the same page make sure you repeat your understanding of their request. “If I understand you correctly you want me to drive you over to Bobby’s now so that you can play with him before dinner?” 

Options. ”Son, I know how much you like playing with Bobby but it is very late and by the time I get you there we will have almost no time to play before dinner. Can I bring you over to Bobby’s after dinner or earlier in the day tomorrow?”

Love.  Sometimes even the best options do not provide a satisfactory solution to your child. That is why sometimes it is so hard to be a kid, or a parent. But when there is no great obvious solutions these are also the moments in which you can be a really special parent by creatively thinking and going the extra mile to find a satisfactory alternative like, “I’m sorry we can’t make this work in a way that’s best for you.  Can we call Bobby (or Bobby’s parents) on the phone when we get home and see if we can work out a time that is best for everyone?”

Validate:  …“you know son, that is a great idea.  I never thought of it that way!” Let’s try your idea (or if the child’s idea doesn’t work, validation is still critical) “You are really smart, thank you for sharing, what else can we do instead?”     

Educate:   “Son, that is a great idea!  Unfortunately dad cannot make it work in this moment because of x, y, or z… Let’s work together to find a way to make your idea work for both of us.”

Obviously not every interaction is a textbook, teachable moment, but yes/no solutions are often not very satisfying or explanatory.  Your children will love to partner with you in decision making and you will likely be filled with gratitude when you see your grown children parenting their children in a similar manor.

V1. CH10. DOG PARENT

This month we adopted a rescue dog!  By having this new being in the house, I am reminded of the wisdom, joy, heartaches, and occasional magic of having pets as a child.  Based on my childhood experience, and becoming both a parent and a grandparent, I would, if feasible, highly recommend pet ownership for a child.  I understand that pet ownership may not be right for every child, or every household …. or every pet!

I believe the potential benefits of pet ownership for a child are many, including lessons in responsibility, the experience of bonding, the potential for learning about loss and grief, and the indelible memories of what may remain some of the clearest memories an adult has of their childhood.  Some of my childhood memories of capturing frogs and snakes and trying impossibly to feed them and keep them alive remain amazingly vivid for me.  And, of course, there is the penultimate pet experience of adopting a rescue animal or getting a parrot or hamster or rabbit which allows a child to become emotionally invested in the health, well being, and happiness of their pet over an extended period of time.  This helps children experience empathy and joy, as well as an awareness that good health and longevity requires attention, commitment and perhaps partnering with a parent.

I still vividly remember my first dog (it was actually the family dog and her name was Princess).  She was a big, beautiful German Shepherd.  The time frame was mid to late 1950s (wow 65 years ago!!).  I shared Princess with my older brother and younger sister.  Still later came two more sisters, but Princess was basically my brother’s and my dog.  Every school day when the bus came to pick us up at our bus stop, the bus driver Carlos allowed me, my brother AND Princess on the bus to ride to school!

Ghost Rider Sitting

We would then complete the bus route picking up more kids and eventually when the bus was full, we would get let out at the elementary school. All except Princess!  After Carlos dropped us off he  would then return Princess on an empty school bus back to my house as though she were a school kid returning home for the day!  My brother, me, Carlos and Princess would repeat this routine five days per week.  It still remains a vivid, happy, and amazing story from my childhood even today.

Obviously the 1950s were very different from the current decade of the 2020s. The same routine today would have probably broken a hundred laws that are currently on the books.  Carlos might have lost his job, the school bus company might have been sued, and my parents would certainly have been visited by social workers for child endangerment.  But, 65 years later both my brother and I can still recall every detail of our relationship with Princess.  For Princess, it was her job to watch all the neighborhood kids.

I have four children and five grandchildren and for most of my adult life I have had dogs, and so have my children and grandchildren.  Just saying their dog names – Romeo, Middles, Gilley, Ghostrider, Landon, Duncan, Faith, Ranger and Ivy puts a smile on my face.  I honestly feel that pets provide something that only a sentient being can offer a child. I highly recommend trying to make space physically, mentally and emotionally for your child to experience the responsibility of being a partner in pet ownership.

V1. CH9. ARE YOU RAISING YOUR CHILDREN THE WAY YOU WERE RAISED?

Something has occurred to me this month after having some revelations with my middle son.  I have been thinking about my dad more frequently than I normally do, considering that he passed away more than twenty years ago and I wonder what he might think about the blog advice I have provided over the past few months.  It has prompted me to wonder about the decisions he made that created his life’s trajectory and how he parented me. 

My dad’s adult history included being an exceptionally young Navy captain serving in the Pacific during World War II.  At the conclusion of the war he returned home to marry his teenage bride.  He also chose to retire from the navy (which he loved) and chose instead to go into his father’s business, which he felt an obligation to do.  I wonder about the choices that he and my mother made conceiving four children in the first six years of their marriage, by which time he was only 28 years old and she was only 23!   I was the second child two years after my brother and two years before my sister, who arrived two years before another sister.  A third sister arrived many years after that, five in all.

As I reflect I can see certain parallels in the parenting of my children in the way my parents gave attention to me.  As a child I felt my older brother got more attention than I received, and that my mother identified more closely with my three younger female siblings than she did with me.  I never felt unloved, yet, I often felt not as loved as my siblings.

Upon graduating college, naïve to other opportunities, I also chose to enter the same family business as a third generation employee.  My first wife and I had two sons, then a daughter, which was a unique coincidence to the birth sequence that my parents had.  I also feel that I may have favored my first son with attention that my second son may not have received, and that my daughter became the favorite of her mom leading to a feeling of lack of attention overall by our middle son. The exact position I occupied when growing up.

Without going into the details of how this coincidental circumstance may have affected the specifics of the parenting of my biological children (I am blessed to have remarried the amazing woman behind this website, and been gifted by the presence of her amazing daughter) my conclusion seems to contain a strong and obvious lesson.  As parents we are clearly imprinted by the millions of circumstances we encountered both within and outside of our family hierarchy. 

Maybe if you are searching for clues about how to understand your relationships with your children, it may be as simple as examining the influence of the relationship you had with your parents during your childhood.  I am grateful that no matter how old one is lucky enough to get, there is still so much to discover.

V1. CH8. PRESENCE

Since the time my kids started having kids of their own I have become much more aware of the passage of time. There are so many markers of time marching on.  There are birthdays, anniversaries, enrollment in kindergarten, elementary school, middle school, and many more schools to come.  Soon graduations, marriages, and grandchildren….a beautiful blur of dates and memories.  And then, of course I will begin to tell and miss-remember some of my own stories of 50 or 60 years earlier.  Embellishing, adding and forgetting details, entertaining and amazing all who will listen about the days when cars had no seat belts and gasoline cost 25 cents/gallon, black and white televisions, how I met their mother and the magic of what it was like to grow up back in the day.

Yet, it has never been more clear that the true catalyst for a magical life for yourself and all those that you care about and that care about you, is to be present in the moment you are currently experiencing.  The act of being present means being fully conscious of the current moment and free from the noise of internal dialogue.  Presence is a gift to yourself and anyone within your presence in that specific moment.  It is probably not difficult to recall dozens of circumstances when your mind was wandering while actually being engaged in a conversation with someone unrelated to your thoughts.  It is a natural circumstance that requires vigilance and real effort to overcome.  When you are present in a conversation you are acknowledging the value of the OTHER PERSON’S presence.  You are giving them the gift of your attention which acknowledges their value to you.  In other words, you are being selfless instead of selfish.

The most difficult realization about suffering from a lack of presence is that it is likely that it manifests most often with the people you care most about.  There is an old familiar saying that familiarity breeds contempt.  But I believe it is much more likely to breed complacency.  The sense that you know what someone is going to say, or you assume that it may be unimportant or uninteresting and your mind begins to wander.  Sometimes, you are actually looking someone straight in the eye and your lack of presence doesn’t translate into an understanding or engagement with their words.

I think and hope I am getting better at being present.  For me, it requires a conscious effort that returns many rewards, particularly from those of whom I care about most.  And as importantly, even selfishly, those that I would like to have care most about me.

“There is only one time that is important – NOW! It is the most important time because it is the only time that we have any power.”
Leo Tolstoy

“I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.”
Albert Einstein

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.”
Buddha.

V1. CH7. SELLING

At the age of 74 I am a lot closer to the last day of my official professional working career than I am from the first day.  For every single one of the past 50+ years of work I have earned a living and raised a beautiful family employed in some way as a salesman. As I look back now into the rear view mirror of my career, it is clear to me that perhaps one of my greatest blessings was to have chosen sales as the choice for my professional career.

Interestingly, when I was 18 and graduating from high school, sales would have been a most surprising career choice for me.  As one of the grandsons from a third-generation family-owned steel fabrication construction company, I was destined to graduate from college and come home to work in the family business.

It seems likely to me that most of the people you know do not dream of growing up to be a salesperson.  I didn’t.  Virtually no parent advises their child to go to college and learn to be a salesperson.  In fact the dream of many parents is to send their child to college, and imagine them with pride to continue on to receive their PhD...   I advised all of my children to get a college degree to open doors for them in different fields.

Yet I’ve discovered over time why sales can be so rewarding emotionally, mentally and financially.  It is because most people stereotype sales people as the person trying to separate them from their money.  A sales person they probably don’t know who might be asking them to purchase or invest in something they may not really want to own.  The truth is that nobody likes to be sold anything.  Yet, funnily enough, many love to buy things.  There is an enormous amount of room and success available to professional sales people simply because there are so few good ones.

Individuals and businesses that offer products, opportunities and services need to educate and inform consumers why they may want to own or have a need for their offerings.  This is Competition and The Marketplace.  Every product or service competes to find willing buyers.  Consumers do not automatically purchase the cheapest, or most feature rich, or prettiest, or most convenient, or biggest or smallest or most familiar product.  They buy because they became sold by an advertisement or a recommendation from a friend, or an internet blog, or a specific feature…or, a salesperson.  Every sale is a transaction, every transaction is paid for by the consumer, and every transaction pays a sales fee.  If the consumer has a great buying experience it may create loyalty to BOTH the product and the salesperson and create RESIDUAL income on future purchases credited to that sales person.  Sales is often a long game that repays the sales person for their skills over and over and over.  At the end of the day, it is about building relationships.  We all like to buy things from people we know and like and trust.

I also believe that the dynamics of selling are also very much the dynamics of good parenting. Parenting is persuading, providing, caring, compromising and following through on promises.   Because, after all aren’t parents in the business of selling their advice and ideas to their spouse and kids?  Parents need to consider objections and offer solutions, be honest, paint the big picture, recognize that winning in the moment may result in losing in the long-term.  And, conversely, that giving in does not mean giving up.  Every one of these attributes that I have learned in sales has helped me to understand how to be a better parent.  The process of negotiating and coming to an agreement in sales is the same as the give and take of parenting.  Sales, and parenting, is largely the process of understanding in order to be understood.  Honest empathy is the result of talking half as often as you are listening.

I believe that in parenting you must hear your children in their voice and frame of reference.  It is actually okay to use sales technique with your children.  Here are a few that I might recommend. Ask the following::

1. That is a great question, why do you ask?

2. If I agree (or disagree) with you, how will that make you feel?

3. Is this really important to you? Why?

4. Is there anything else you would like to discuss?

5. Is there any other solution?

6. When do you need an answer?

7. Can we agree that this is a one-time exception to the rule?

8. How will you pay for this decision (this is not necessarily a financial request).

Whether we are selling our spouse on the idea of going out for dinner, or our kids on the benefits of studying for a test by putting down the TV remote, or the ability to persuade someone else to consider our personal point of view over their objections… our sales skills allow us to persuade our audience to objectively consider the benefits of our point of view regardless of their inherent bias or knee-jerk reaction.  It also allows us to accept the final outcome of the discussion as a fair result of our presentation and the listener’s concerns.  The act of selling is not a technique but rather a philosophy of mutual agreement between interested parties.  I love sales!

V1. CH6. DIVINE MASCULINE AND DIVINE FEMININE

I am fortunate to have both male and female grand children.  And, I absolutely love them equally.  However, upon reflection, I do notice that I occasionally treat my grandsons as stereotypical boys and my granddaughters as stereotypical girls.  Here are some of my unintentional assignments of “male” traits.  Boys are tougher, less emotional, more competitive, have an affinity for trucks, bats and balls, and an attachment to “winning” and hanging out with dad.  Girls are more fragile, sensitive, concerned with appearance, are more domestic, more studious, enjoy hanging out with mom, etc.

Please don’t judge me for what I am admitting to. Both the male and female children that my wife Susan and I have raised are amazing and accomplished. They have grown up with exposure to many opportunities and choices and they had the interest and enthusiasm to explore those choices. Yet, the question remains, did my prejudice, however great or slight, toward raising my sons as “men” and my daughters as “women” ultimately narrow their vision and influence their future thru “gender bias?”

Susan suggested that I look for definitions of “Divine Feminine” and “Divine Masculine” traits which are inherent in every human regardless of gender. The logic being that perhaps then I would have a better perspective on how well balanced these traits seem to be in the children we raised as well as the grandchildren they are now raising.

So….the eight most common traits that typically manifest as “Divine Feminine” (depending upon the encyclopedic number of articles, research papers and phrases from which you can choose to research) are:

Intuitive, Heart-centered, Compassionate, Wise, Accepting, Forgiving, Collaborative, Reflective, Understanding, Patient

 And for “Divine Masculine” they are:

 Risk-taking, Assertiveness, Action-oriented, Discipline, Boundaries, Confidence, Objectivity, Logic and Analysis, Warrior

Boiling this thought process down to Divine masculine / Divine feminine traits speaks to me (it must activate my masculine “Objectivity” and “logic and analysis” traits).  It also gave me some confidence, as I applied these traits to my grown children and developing grandchildren, that they all have generally balanced “Divine Masculine” and “Divine Feminine” traits appropriate to their gender. 

However, I think the most interesting observations I was able to identify by reviewing the above listed traits is that almost all of the family females exhibit the masculine traits of assertiveness, discipline and confidence….which I see as somewhat my influence, outside of cultural constraints for survival.  

Yet, the males overtly manifest few of the feminine traits beyond collaboration which conversely may be my lack of influence on the male progeny of our family.  I am grateful for having completed this exercise because it may help influence both the subject matter and emphasis of future family conversations. I encourage you to spend some time with these thoughts, it may enlighten your future family conversations as well.

A FEW MOMENTS TO SHARE A MOTHER’S LOVE

From singingsuebee - Yes, this is the Father’s Blog, but I am called to share this love letter with you that I wrote to my daughter. This is a place of love, afterall, and a chance to share one’s heart with each other. Maybe you will feel this, too. I love you. June 2021

A few moments in June to share a mother’s forever connection to her daughter:

In the blink of my eye is the rest of your life dearest Maggie Jo, light of my life though not of my life…

You are my only child, from me, which distinguishes you from your other siblings.  I feel as if you have been nourished and relinquished all in a breath.  As your life goes through time, freely, mine sees the end of time, mechanically waiting to be recreated in another time and space.  I am an infinite being yet my life, this life, is still finite.

Death scares us but if we are energetic beings held only together by our skin and organs and brains and neurons and bones, and our soul’s mission, how could we possibly actually die?!  Energy knows no bounds.  Yet, some of those things do disappear in one exhale and our energy lives on.  Our mission lives on.

I recently spoke to my mom and dad, your beautiful maternal grandparents who have left this earth plane.  They both told me this:  it is irresponsible of me to try and convince you of anything anymore.  It is wrong of me to try and show you the way anymore, to try and influence you.  Stop it.

Your dad and I raised you as best as we could given the reality of being divorced, and me being a single mom, working.  I did well enough.  Your needs were met.  I loved the responsibility of teaching you, showing you the way, playing with you, making food to feed you, and was conscious to live my life to set an example for you of choice, independence, love and freedom.

Now your path is yours and I’m not on it.  My choices have no breath in your being.  My thoughts are a burden for you to consider.  This is neither good nor bad, it is by design.  I call it Free Will and your Free Will is not choosing me as your compass anymore.  We have intersected for such a short period of time and your time on the planet now will be longer than our time spent together. 

It was also explained to me that it’s possible to suggest a door, or it’s okay to plant a seed, dream a wish, or send a prayer, but I am specifically not to open the door, or water the seed, or drop the prayer in a mailbox anymore.  All choices reside within YOU.  I pray you make these choices from the compelling, deep love within your heart, without judgment or thought.  Especially without thought.

So what am I doing here…?  I am experiencing you in my heart in this now moment.  I am remembering how many events and knowledge and history that we share.  I am missing you in my daily life, wondering what you’re cooking, and who you spoke to or saw.  

My life is robust and extremely interesting now with you not in it.  That design was inspired by you becoming an adult.  We are both very fortunate to have the privileges we do to explore and learn.  Yet I still sometimes envy the mother daughter relationships that are close with regular shares, visits, gossip and ideas.  I sometimes wonder if you do?  And then I remember how independent we both are...we do not enable one another.   

Once a parent always a parent…?  Inability to let go…?  Unequivocally NO on both counts.  You are on your own person by design now and that must be respected.  I no longer influence your choices, and was reminded by my mom again to stop trying.

Remember, however, that you are never alone.  Ever Ever Ever.  I know this to be an absolute truth.  There is no science that needs to prove this, indeed it doesn’t exist yet except in the quantum field because it’s subtle.  It’s energy.  It’s love.  It’s felt.  It’s known.  Real yet unseen.  Like a strong wind that can knock over a huge oak tree, or that can be heard whistling down a valley.  Do we need proof to know that this wind exists?  Or love?  Do you need proof to know that your grandmother B is still aware of everything you’re doing, and that we will always love you? 

I am, we are, in your genealogy and in your heart, especially when you sing.  I hope you don’t stop singing Maggie Jo, angel child of my time.  This practical life that you say you must live, in your body in form on this sweet earth, I pray that when you need to feel true love again, you will remember me, your mom, here now and later unseen like GrandmaB.

I love you eternally and beyond.  You are greatly loved.   

xo
mom

V1. CH5. OPEN MINDED

In your life’s experience, “everything” is actually only “one thing.” Every isolated moment, every separate event and every end of day, when totaled, adds up to “your life.”

Since you have a singular influence on your life’s trajectory, you deserve to celebrate your accomplishments and should be obligated to reflect on your failures. Your life’s example also greatly influences your children, your extended family and your community. You do not get to separate the best of you from the worst of you. You are simply YOU. You are every bit of you. For goodness sakes, OWN your YOU!

Who are you when no one is watching? Are you charitable when you are not writing a donation check? Are you honest enough to speak up when no one will? Do you self-contemplate? Can you forgive yourself, and others, and correct for past mistakes with the passage of time and self-reflection? All of the above are the history of you and the most likely influences on who your children will become. Each past moment offers an opportunity to reflect, each decision offers the opportunity to change your mind, each outcome influences every future input.

One of my daughters recently gave me a lesson on perspective. She revealed to me a personal bias she saw in me that allowed me to think I was “open minded” while in fact I was being part of a close-minded problem. The subject was the Black Lives Matter movement which was so much in the news during the Trump presidency and the early stages of the “pandemic.”

Without going into the details, my self-congratulatory liberalism provided me….and I realized a huge segment of the “liberal” left, to opt out of doing the hard work of actually creating systemic change. Reflection can replace regrets and celebrate achievements. Reflection may also provide a certain satisfaction that the vast majority of your changeable moments were perfectly acceptable just exactly as they unfolded. And, If they were not the exact right thing to do, in the exact moment they occurred, then ”good enough” is most often a really, really acceptable result.

It is possible that a very small percentage of those things that you can, should, or will change… upon reflection…are what may have the greatest impact on how your children and THEIR community will continue to be influenced and your legacy remembered? The EVERYTHING that you are is the role model your children are most likely to adopt, your community most likely to remember, and your family most likely to talk about!

V1. CH4. FORGIVENESS

The difference between praising your child and patronizing them can be a very fine line.  Most parents are able to see attributes in their children that may be far less visible to the casual observer.  The same is of course true about their child’s challenges.  How does a parent appropriately express both pride and concern over their children’s achievements as well as their PERCEIVED failings (which may simply be learning opportunities).

Here are my thoughts on “Dos and Don’ts”:

Be “praise and punishment appropriate”.  Not everything is a BIG DEAL and if there are no varying degrees of response all rewards and punishments will soon have the same effect.  None.

It’s wiser to be sure to have your child’s attention.  Yelling from the other room, or sharing your thoughts when the child is distracted by things they may be more focused on (like the attention of their peers) simply becomes blah, blah, blah.

I do not believe in praise or criticism for a child in comparison to the actions of another child. A child thinking that they are better or worse than another is the root of bullying and shamming and completely unnecessary.

Make the opportunity to talk about the child’s actions that are being praised or punished.  What are the consequences of similar repeated accomplishments or repeated offenses (this creates an opportunity to establish a desired repeating habit).

Notice that differing circumstances may require differing responses.  As an example, a child defending or protecting a friend may deserve parental empathy even if they have acted inappropriately.  These circumstances may offer a learning experience about good intentions leading to bad behavior.

My last thought for today… it is possible that when you review your parental response to a given situation in retrospect, you may realize that your response was inappropriate or incorrect.  The greatest teaching lesson of all may be taking the time to apologize to your child.  Your children will make mistakes, and learning the value of a humble apology may be the greatest lesson of all.  Let’s face it… we all need to forgive one another more.

V1. CH3. CHOICE

I am currently wrestling with a philosophical concern between myself and my grown children. Not surprisingly, the wrestling match relates to the corona virus vaccine at this time.

My children are adamant believers in the benefits of receiving a vaccination for protection against the corona virus. I am not such a believer, and in fact I believe mass vaccination as a concept is fraught with potential negative consequences. Since the discussions, both for and against vaccination, cannot be distilled into binary answers like:  safe/not safe, work/not work, long term/short term consequences… my primary concern is to keep the vax/not vax decision from harming the relationship between myself and my kids. The positive, of course, is that the kids want only for me to remain safe and healthy, and I adamantly want my kids to have their adult freedom of choice. Yet the resolution of our differences in this case involve many consequences, not the least of which is how my children view allowing  me access both to them individually and to MY grandchildren collectively.  (Yes, I do appreciate that MY grandchildren are collectively THEIR children and they have the proprietary right to protect them in the best way they believe possible.)

For the moment we are adopting a “concerned detachment” from the choices being made on how and when and where to be together. I am masking, distancing, and primarily interacting with the kids/grandkids outdoors. The kids are in the process of having their shots or getting in line to have them. Our conversations generally avoid the potential long term consequences of our vaccine choices, perhaps in the hope that at some point in the future our differences will resolve as a matter of course.  Ultimately this virus will become part of the thousands of toxic burdens our bodies are required to face and dispose of.  Possibly, as my children believe, it will simply be just another shot, perhaps another booster with all of the potential consequences of relying on medical defenses to provide our health care solutions.  Or, perhaps, we will learn to boost our innate immune response with the proper nutrition, healthy foods, diet and exercise, and a less toxic environment.  Perhaps we may all discover that the best immune boost of all is a long, heartfelt, loving emotional hug coupled with gratitude, thankfulness and a touch of belief that everything will work out exactly as it is meant to be.

V1. CH2. ME AND HARRY

Whether we like it or not, our kids are likely to grow up with many similar physical and emotional character traits to those of our own.. Physically, it is easy to spot similarities in eye and hair coloring, facial expressions, even the way our kids walk and gesture cause us to be amazed by the powers of inherited DNA . Features and gestures are fun to marvel at but nothing for which we can take credit (or blame) for as parents. However, our ability, intentional or unintentional, to imprint our children with emotional characteristics and lifestyle choices are entirely our responsibility. Kindness, meanness, open mindedness, work ethic, tolerance, empathy, core values and beliefs, healthy eating, junk food diets… all are imprinted onto our children by us, their parents. As you mentor your children’s growth, certain character traits will become obvious as to who they are likely to become as evolved adults. Your emotions of pride or regret (or both) will surely be triggered by their actions.

This came to me - you may not remember (or have even heard of) the very popular singer in the 70s, Harry Chapin. As popular as he was he produced only one #1 single in his career called Cats in the Cradle. The full song lyrics are below. It has always impacted me. I hope you find it heartfelt. Love, Mickey

A child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away

And he was talking before I knew it and as he grew
He said, "I'm gonna be like you, Dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

Refrain: And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin' home, Dad, I don't know when
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw?"
I said, "Not today, I got a lot to do"
He said, "That's okay"

And he walked away but his smile never dimmed

And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm going to be like him"

Refrain: And the cats in the cradle…

Well he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"

He shook his head and he said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

Refrain: And the cats in the cradle…

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "Id like to see you if you don't mind"

He said, "I'd love to Dad, if I could find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and the kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it had occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me, my boy was just like me

Refrain: And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin' home, son, I don't know when
But we'll get together then, Dad
We're gonna have a good time then
--Harry Chapin, 1974 on his Verities & Balderdash album. Inspired by the birth of his son Josh.

V1. CH1. DECISIONS

Consider that your children may actually be right and you may actually be wrong in any given situation. The lesson here is to try to consider points of contention from your child’s perspective as well as your own. While you must provide “grown-up” global perspective (safety, the consequences of actions, the effects on the family dynamics, etc.) when it comes to providing advice, it is crucial to remember what the author Steven Covey said in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” It may not be easy, but it is absolutely crucial, that you equally consider your child’s frame of reference as well as your own before making a decision with the assumption that being the parent automatically means being correct. Try stepping back from being the parent in your next couple of disagreements and let your inner child arbitrate the solution.