When you ask a friend how they are doing and their response is “I’m seeing someone”, they likely mean they have either become involved in a romantic relationship or they are receiving mental health counseling (in rare cases, perhaps both). Well, I am seeing somebody, and I definitely do not have another romantic relationship. I continue to deeply love my wife.
However, I am actually seeing my third different therapist in the past three years.
Unfortunately the relationship with my first two therapists greatly suffered through my lack of attention and honesty with regard to any insight they may have been provided by me. Not surprisingly, I relatively quickly decided that neither of them really helped me in a way that I anticipated they would. In retrospect, I believe the experience with my first two therapists suffered from my ability to control the narrative with them both by suggesting that I was a very likeable and a willing good guy, demonstrating those traits in most of our conversations. I actually felt like I was entertaining them!
Yet, at the same time I subtly conceded that I wasn’t perfect and that I would pay more (generic) attention to my marital concerns. In other words, I was playing the therapists in a way that allowed me to appear as though I was being proactive by agreeing to therapy without having to do the more honest, hard, therapeutic work my marriage required.
I don’t think I really deeply believed that I actually needed a therapist’s counsel. I was more responding to a suggestion that my wife had put forward. It was becoming increasingly clear that we were having some frequent problematic communication challenges. In retrospect I think I agreed to therapy, not so much because I believed that it would be particularly helpful, but more because I was patronizing her legitimate concern that we needed some third party perspective on our relationship.
Eventually I stopped seeing both therapists because I didn’t perceive any positive results even as my wife and I continued to have even more contentious moments. After almost a year of our more problematic confrontations it became clear that we (mostly I) needed real (better) third party professional help. I stopped searching for a therapist based on their hourly rate and more by their resume and specialties. (I also found out that my Medicare coverage was very generous toward professional mental therapy.)
I interviewed a few therapists whose resumes impressed me and were more simpatico to my needs, finally deciding on in-person therapy every two weeks. Her hourly rate was more than double my previous therapist’s rates, however the rate was largely mitigated by Medicare coverage! That was helpful I must admit.
What I learned while juggling therapists was how easy it was for me to fool myself into believing that simply checking the box of therapy was going to help either Susan or I without me having to do the work of therapy. I am done with that illusion.
Now, three months later, I really feel as though I am making progress on improving my mental health.
Here’s the biggest thing I’ve learned about myself so far… My therapy experience has taught me to be more personally responsible for my actions, and to express myself without ambiguity. I am learning that honesty does not mean confrontation. Therapy has taught me that every day is simply another opportunity and to be open to any possibility. I know that I cannot change the past but I CAN influence the future. Finally, therapy has taught me that happiness and disappointment are both choices that I make.
I actually look forward to my every other week, in-person appointments. I feel extremely unburdened by our honest communication in our private one-on-one live sessions. I realize that my goal for my marriage has changed from fixing our relationship to a more understanding appreciative experience. I realize now how gifted I have been by our slightly imperfect marriage. Perfection is not a goal, it is an illusion. Loving and respecting someone without conditions is the very difficult but beautiful work of aspiring to reach a goal.
This work is worth the effort if the goal is worth attaining. For me it has been a blessing, and, why did I wait so long? I highly recommend the experience!