As a younger parent I often found myself quickly making decisions potentially affecting my children, and without considering the multiple potential outcomes of how any given decision might actually impact them! As a parent I’m sure you can relate to how often your decisions may seem like an obvious and clear choice based on either experience or expedience. Or they may be decisions that seem to be the simplest or safest, or most obvious and hassle free.
Yet, none of the considerations above keep your children from having an opinion about wanting what they want regardless of your reasoning or practicality. After all, what is inconvenience to them compared to yours?Money is an abstract to kids! Simple and safe is not their problem, it is yours. Hassle free? What is your parental hassle when compared to your children’s personal desires? Obviously the older your children get the more adult frame of reference they acquire but it should not invalidate the approach I am about to suggest for your consideration.
I am going to create an acronym of the word SOLVE to suggest how to address a difference of opinion between parent and child who both may view the same circumstances through different lenses:
Summarize. Just to make sure you and your child are on the same page make sure you repeat your understanding of their request. “If I understand you correctly you want me to drive you over to Bobby’s now so that you can play with him before dinner?”
Options. ”Son, I know how much you like playing with Bobby but it is very late and by the time I get you there we will have almost no time to play before dinner. Can I bring you over to Bobby’s after dinner or earlier in the day tomorrow?”
Love. Sometimes even the best options do not provide a satisfactory solution to your child. That is why sometimes it is so hard to be a kid, or a parent. But when there is no great obvious solutions these are also the moments in which you can be a really special parent by creatively thinking and going the extra mile to find a satisfactory alternative like, “I’m sorry we can’t make this work in a way that’s best for you. Can we call Bobby (or Bobby’s parents) on the phone when we get home and see if we can work out a time that is best for everyone?”
Validate: …“you know son, that is a great idea. I never thought of it that way!” Let’s try your idea (or if the child’s idea doesn’t work, validation is still critical) “You are really smart, thank you for sharing, what else can we do instead?”
Educate: “Son, that is a great idea! Unfortunately dad cannot make it work in this moment because of x, y, or z… Let’s work together to find a way to make your idea work for both of us.”
Obviously not every interaction is a textbook, teachable moment, but yes/no solutions are often not very satisfying or explanatory. Your children will love to partner with you in decision making and you will likely be filled with gratitude when you see your grown children parenting their children in a similar manor.